Originally posted on elitedaily.com
Oct 16, 2012
Covert contracts are when someone does something for someone else without completely explaining exactly what he or she wants from this person in return. For example, when a man takes a woman out to dinner and expects sex afterwards, that is called a covert contract.
Covert contracts also play a big role in unhealthy relationships. Even friends can have covert contracts with each other when there’s hidden expectations.
The covert contracts can cause anger and resentment between people. The person holding the contract is actually trying to manipulate the other because their actions are really parts of an agenda to get what they want. While one person accepts the things that they are offered, whether they be favors, gifts,or services, these people are expecting something in return.
When they don’t get what they expect in return, this is where the anger and resentment develops. They might hold this anger resentment towards them for a while before they explode. When the holder finally explodes with anger, the other person has no idea where it’s coming from. This is because the other person had no clue about this covert contract at all.
The contract holder is the type of person who is afraid of confrontation and is unable to communicate their needs efficiently, so they create these contracts to recognize the stipulations of certain relationships and hope eventually the other person will do what’s expected of them. After countless let-downs, finally they build enough anger to voice themselves and the contract is exposed.
Like the woman who’s taken to dinner, she has no idea that this guy really just wants to sleep with her. After the few first dinners, the man was disappointed that he didn’t get sex, but he kept it to himself. After 2 weeks of dating, he goes over her house and believes that she should finally give him sex. When he makes a move at the end of the night and she unexpectedly rejects him, he gets extremely mad and becomes a jerk.
The woman has no idea why he reacted that way and she believed that this man was into her more than that. Little did the man know that this woman didn’t think anything about the dinners and wasn’t expecting him to be such a jerk. She is turned off, he is frustrated, there is an argument, and the relationship ends. Only when it’s too late does one know the truth behind someone’s actions, and that is never a good thing when it comes to trying to maintain or build healthy relationships.
The best way to avoid contracts is to always ask someone what their intentions are and also create healthy boundaries by letting people know what you will and will not stand for. In order for you to avoid becoming the creator of a covert contract, you have to make sure you always tell people how you really feel about things. You also can’t expect people to be able to read your mind or live up to your standards all the time. With honest communication, you will avoid building anger or resentment towards someone that doesn’t fulfill your expectations.
Just because you’ve been buying birthday presents for your friend their whole life doesn’t mean that they have to buy the same amount for you. Nowhere in your relationship was it ever stated that you both have to buy each other gifts or had to return the favor. The reason why I say this is if you got mad at your friend about their lack of buying you gifts, I’d question your intention of buying them birthday gifts in the first place.
If you are a true friend and want to give them something from the heart, then you shouldn’t care whether or not they return the favor. However, if you’re expecting something in return, then your intentions are not true and when you don’t get what you expect from that person, you will be disappointed and resent them.
In summary, the best way to avoid becoming a victim to covert contracts or creating them, is to make sure that you’re always practicing open and honest communication with people. By doing so, everything is always on the table and you can built real, solid healthy relationships with people in your life.
Angelo John Gage | Elite.
Angelo John Gage is the founder of Psychronicity.com
Our minds do what we tell them to do and make us what we tell them to make us. We are what we tell our minds we are. So quit using identifying phrases like "I am" when referring to negative behaviors. All you are doing is reinforcing the self-imposed image that this is who you are, rather than what you have done. Instead, try using past tense phrasing like "I have been" or "I used to." i.e. "Yeah, I have been guilty of procrastinating" instead of "Yeah, I'm a procrastinator." An even better phrase might be "Yeah, I used to procrastinate, but now I don't."
"You will never change a behavior until you stop the voices in your head that tell you that you can't.
There is no fear of change, only the results that come from it.
Try it, just one time, and prove that you won't die, even if you fail.
Prove the voices wrong, just one time, and you can build a foundation to make a life of change and growth and prove those voices wrong again and again.
Don't think about changing forever though. Just concentrate on the one time.
Can you change your behavior just once?"